Tartan

Issue date: 3/24/05 Section: Entertainment

Media Credit: courtesy photo Only see "Constantine" if you´re desperate. Really, really desperate.

'Man of the House', starring Tommy Lee Jones, and 'Constantine' with Keanu Reeves, both hit the theaters with a bang, or at least a dull thud. And both were a refreshing change from last month with 'Hide and Seek' and 'Alone in the Dark'. There was no need for sasquatch this time.

'Man of the House' is about five Texas college cheerleaders that witness a murder and have to go into protective custody under Jones's care. Jones, playing a Texas Ranger named Sharp, doesn't like this one bit. The cheerleaders are your typical air-headed bimbos, which while are a bit old hat, still have its humor in this film.

Between Sharp trying to get them to wear more clothing by putting in a $7000 air conditioning unit, and searching the pizza delivery boy every time he comes with a pizza to make sure he doesn't have any weapons, this movie will leave you laughing.

Various references to cultural things, such as Aggies, may confuse some people but don't dwell on it. Aggies are not worth your time. They are the butt of a great many jokes in Texas. But the extremes of this film as far as what the cheerleaders try to do to get the better of Sharp, and what extremes Sharp will go to in order to maintain his rules, make this a refreshing comedy.

'Constantine' starts out with two men in Mexico digging around the ruins of a burned down church, thus finding the Spear of Destiny. Yep, it's the very same one that killed Jesus. You would think something like that would be in the Vatican but no. Meanwhile, the title character is being called to an apartment complex to perform an exorcism on a teenage girl in Los Angeles. A solider demon from hell is trying to break through into our world through her.

That's a great way to wake up in the morning.

Shortly after, Constantine wanders off to a doctor's office; finding out he has lung cancer. By this time he's smoked at least five cigarettes and is lighting up another one in the doctor's office in front of the doctor, who at least has the sense to point out that he is being an idiot.

And in the whole movie Constantine lives off of cigarettes, alcohol, and one plate of pancakes. What a great diet.

Next we learn of an officer, Angela, whose twin sister just committed suicide by jumping off of a roof. Angela, a catholic that happens to have very good aim and kills people with ease as we learn in her confessional, knows of this because she gets a dream of it happening as it happens.

And so it continues with various clues here and there, and the archangel Gabriel even puts in an appearance. But the overall plot of save the world, because hell is trying to take it over, felt weak and rough around the edges.

While the comic it was based off of, 'Hellblazer' might be a nice read, the movie 'Constantine' didn't do it justice. The effects were good. The idea of holy water having the same effect as hydrochloric acid on demons is kind of fun. If you've got a building full of demons, just bless the water that feeds into the sprinkler system and set that off. It will take care of them and leave them feeling clean. The acting wasn't that bad either. Keanu Reeves did a decent job, if he was a bit emotionless. But the slow story and an emphasis on suicide left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Man of the House gets a four out of five.

Constantine gets a three out of five.

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